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Libido Mismatch: When One of You Wants It More
Struggling with a libido mismatch in your relationship? Discover the causes and how therapy helps.
5 min read
Written byJessica Hwang
Reviewed byBritt Lindon, Ph.D.
Struggling with a libido mismatch in your relationship? Discover the causes and how therapy helps.
Struggling with a libido mismatch in your relationship? Discover what causes different sex drives, how it affects couples, and how sex therapy online (or in New York City) with SENS can help you reconnect—emotionally and physically.
So here’s a set-up: One person’s sending “u up?” energy. The other is, in fact, not up. They’re asleep. Or reading. Or deep into a true crime documentary while the other is trying to initiate with just… vibes!
Welcome to the libido mismatch.
A libido mismatch happens when two people in a relationship want sex at different frequencies. One person might be craving physical intimacy multiple times a week, while the other is more into the idea of intimacy. But in their current relationship, the real feelings are more distant or uninterested.
Whether it’s early in dating or deep into a long-term relationship, mismatched sex drives are incredibly common. And incredibly misunderstood.
Because it’s not just about frequency. It’s about pressure, rejection, self-worth, timing, desire language, and all the emotional noise.
At SENS Psychology, our New-York-City-based sex therapists work with couples every day who are navigating this exact dynamic—often quietly, sometimes tearfully, always with the hope of feeling more understood and aligned.
There is no single cause of libido mismatch. In fact, libido is influenced by a mix of physical, emotional, psychological, and relational factors, including:
For some couples, low sex drive in one partner may be situational or temporary. For most, it’s a longstanding pattern. Either way, it’s not about “fixing” a person: it’s about understanding each other’s needs and finding ways to reconnect.
When one partner consistently wants sex more than the other, it can lead to:
The high-libido partner feeling:
The low-libido partner feeling:
Now add months of miscommunication, assumptions, and quiet resentment. Or, sometimes, gasp – explosive resentment. See the problem?
But here’s the good news: you don’t need to be “on the same page” all the time. You just need a better way to finally turn the page and come together.
At SENS Psychology, our sex therapists work with couples who are stuck in the loop of mismatched desire. We help you get curious, not critical. Because sex is never just about sex.
In therapy, you’ll learn to:
Think of us as translators for intimacy. Again, there is nothing to be “fixed”; you just need a better conversation. One that excites you both.
Sex drive is not a personality. It’s not a scoreboard. And it’s not about who is “normal” or “right.”
Libido is fluid, contextual, and response. So, that’s good news.
It shifts with time, health, life changes, and how emotionally safe someone feels.
That means a low-libido partner today might feel differently next month—especially when the pressure is lifted, and connection becomes the focus.
So, if you’re asking:
“Can couples with different sex drives work long-term?”
The answer is yes, if you are willing to stay curious and communicative.
And don’t feel bad if you can’t navigate it solo. That doesn’t mean there isn’t a path forward.
Think about it like this: just because you can’t cure cancer on your own, doesn’t mean it’s fatal.
Is libido mismatch normal in relationships?
Yes. It’s one of the top reasons couples seek sex therapy. Everyone experiences fluctuations in sex drive, and most long-term partners will be “out of sync” at some point.
Can a relationship survive mismatched sex drives?
Absolutely! The key isn’t perfect alignment—it’s learning how to navigate the differences with honesty, empathy, and support (sometimes with a therapist’s help).
How do I bring this up with my partner?
Choose a low-stakes moment. Avoid blame. Try something like: “I want us to feel close again, and I’ve been feeling disconnected. Can we talk about what’s going on when it comes to sex?”
Or simply start by re-reading this blog with your partner or sending it to them.
Is it okay if I just don’t want sex as much?
Of course. You are allowed to have a low sex drive. Just like you are allowed to want it all the time. Therapy is all about making sure both partners feel heard and connected.
How do I find a sex therapist in NYC?
Right here. At SENS Psychology, our NYC-based sex therapists are available both in person and virtually across the U.S. Whether you’re dealing with libido mismatch, performance anxiety, or communication breakdowns—we’re here to help.
Look. The myth of the perfectly matched, always-ready, effortlessly passionate couple? It’s just that: a myth. And, annoyingly, the first 5 minutes of literally every Netflix series.
The truth? All couples will feel a libido gap at some point. The difference is whether they panic or shutdown… or get curious about it.
If your bedroom feels tense, silent, or just…off—reach out. We’re SENS: a modern therapy group that helps people talk about love, sex, desire, and all the messy (and fun!) stuff in between.
Talking about it is the first step. We’re here for the rest.
